


not dreams, but memories

by zenins



Category: Gintama
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, Post-Canon, mentions of joui4 ofc, mentions of matako, mentions of shinpachi and kagura, overall just people that matter to them, reincarnated takasugi, spoilers for the manga ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:34:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26879035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zenins/pseuds/zenins
Summary: Takasugi slowly starts to remember and find out things about his previous life
Relationships: Sakata Gintoki & Takasugi Shinsuke
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	not dreams, but memories

Memories did not come to Takasugi as easy as Gintoki thought they would. He himself had taken care of a far younger version of Shouyou, who seemed to have all of his memories, if not most, despite his innocent facade. Because of that, he had originally thought Takasugi would be the same: an adult trapped in a child’s body that grew up faster than any normal kid would. 

But that had not been the case. Takasugi did grow faster than most babies, but he didn’t seem to remember most of what had happened. He did recall some stuff, though. The purple haired kid could remember Zura always slept with his eyes opened, or that Gintoki liked strawberry milk more than anything. Gintoki had been surprised when one day Takasugi had come to his desk with a glass of his favourite brand of milk for him. He had quickly thanked him, but his mind was racing trying to remember if he had ever told Takasugi that in this new life. Eventually, Gintoki came to the conclusion that Takasugi could remember things to a certain extent. 

Gintoki didn’t know if he was glad that Takasugi had little knowledge of the war and what had happened to both of them there, or sad that his friend could not remember the things they did together before everything went to hell. 

Many times Gintoki tried to tell himself that Takasugi would be better off being blind to his previous life, but he’d be lying if he said that it didn’t hurt him. It always seemed that if one of them was happy, the other would quietly suffer. Nonetheless, he had accepted it. Takasugi deserved to have a normal life this time, and if he could help him achieve such a thing, Gintoki would put his heart and soul into it.

However, it seemed that Takasugi was starting to get some of his memories back the older he grew up. When Takasugi was 7 months old, in the body of what might have looked like a normal 6 years old boy, he had touched his left eye during one of their daily walks and asked Gintoki why it sometimes hurt him. 

Gintoki had suddenly stopped walking, trying to figure out if it was a normal and childish question or Takasugi having a little deja vu of the events of the war. Deciding it was better to not act too suspicious, Gintoki forced himself to smile and give a quick reply.

“Sometimes things get in your eyes, Takasugi. Like dust and all of that. Does it itch?”

“It doesn’t. But each time I touch it I feel like something’s missing. Does that happen to you, Gin-chan?” Takasugi asks with curious eyes. Gintoki had grown used to seeing Takasugi with both of his eyes,untouched and not filled with hatred or loneliness, but it still sometimes felt odd not seeing a scar run across it. 

“It doesn’t” Gintoki echoes back frowning. He ruffles the kid’s hair despite his grunts and protests, and chooses to change the topic “Do you want to stop to get some dangos?” 

  
  
  


Days later after the eye incident, Takasugi had been sleeping by Sadaharu under the kotatsu when he abruptly woke up shuddering. Gintoki put his  _ shounen jump _ down and went to sit next to him. 

Carefully, he raised a hand to touch Takasugi’s shoulder, trying to steady the kid. “Nightmare?”

“Kinda” the kid muttered, leaning to Gintoki’s touch and falling on his lap. “Gin-chan, do you like crows?”

Gintoki giggles nervously, he can see where the conversation is going and as much as he wants to evade the topic, he thinks Takasugi deserves some little explanation, and if not, some comfort. After all, Gintoki knows how bad it feels to wake up alone after a nightmare. His childhood was filled with those types of mornings before Shouyou had picked him up from the battlefield, so he didn’t want Takasugi to experience such an awful feeling. 

“No, when I was a kid like you I hated them a lot. They are ugly too, aren't they?”

“I don’t like them either...but sometimes there’s a crow in my dreams that follows me around, and he isn’t as awful as normal crows are. He always looks sad too.”

“And does your little friend have a name in your dreams?” 

Takasugi positions himself better in the older man’s lap, putting one of his small hands on Gintoki’s thighs. He takes a bit longer to reply, as if he was deciding if he wanted to tell Gintoki his little secret or not. 

Eventually, he replies softly “Obo-chan” 

“Hmmm..You know what  _ Oboro  _ means?” He feels the kid shake his head a little on his thigh “It means misty. Let me get some paper. I will teach you how to write the kanji now that we are on it” 

Ignoring the child’s complaints and  _ writing kanjis is so boring Gin-chan, why can’t we just watch the ninja show?, _ Gintoki stands up and takes a little longer than anyone would ever take to grab the little notebook. He tries to collect himself, as if he was getting ready for a new round of questions from Takasugi.

_ How long will this last? How long till he figures everything out? How long till Takasugi leaves him again?  _

  
  


It isn’t till many months later that Takasugi brings up the topic again. Gintoki had been sleeping when he felt someone tugging the sleeve of his pajamas. He opened his eyes to find Takasugi standing by his bed, looking both embarrassed and a bit lost. 

“What now?” He looks at the clock and sees how late it is. Either Takasugi had a nightmare or he can’t sleep. Gintoki wishes it’s the latter one. He got a lot of practice with Kagura and her sleeping problems, and Takasugi is way easier to put to sleep, a bit of tea and reading will do. But if it’s a dream, Gintoki will have to face the child’s inquiring eyes and questions till he’s slightly satisfied, or too tired to keep his eyes opened.

To his surprise, Takasugi just whispers “I’m sorry”

Taken a bit aback, Gintoki quickly makes space on his futon, as if inviting the kid to settle himself “There’s nothing to apologize for. I told you, it’s okay to wake me up when you’re troubled. Kagura also did that, there’s nothing to be ashamed of”

“I’m sorry Gin-chan” the kid says again, he hasn’t moved an inch, and he looks even more shaken up than before. 

“Quit it, brat” Gintoki says very softly. “Why are you apologizing for, though?”

“For making you cry”

“Cry? Look at Gin-san. I’m perfectly okay, do I look like I've been weeping or anything?”

“It’s not that...I-” He starts again “I saw you cry in my dreams. Or memories. I don't know. Zura was also there, and Obo-chan too, next to a man that looked a bit like you. You were crying, because of me, I think. And then you were burying someone with Zura” 

Gintoki falls silent under the mention of their master’s death. Out of all the things Takasugi could have remembered, this was the one he wished he could evade the most. He’s lost in thought when Takasugi starts talking again. 

“Gin-chan, you and I, in the past Matako told me about, were we brothers?” 

“No,no. We were more than brothers, plus you didn’t have Gin-san’s beauty neither”

“But Tatsuma says I was very handsome”

“Didn’t say you were not”

“Yes, you did”

“No, I didn’t. I just said I was better looking, which is just a _general_ opinion”

Rolling his eyes, the kid starts again “Why won’t you tell me what happened to us? I know it makes you sad that I don’t remember it. I want to know too. It’s not fair that you are the only one who gets to know. Or suffer alone”

Gintoki feels a smile tugging his lips. He shouldn’t let Takasugi so much around Zura, if he does, the kid will adopt his nature of picking up burdens and becoming everyone’s therapist friend. 

“I will tell you tomorrow if you want. It’s 3 am, you need to sleep. If you don’t, you’ll remain as short as always. Sleep is important for kids, you know that” Takasugi raises an eyebrow at that “I will tell you tomorrow. Now come here” 

  
  


“Promise?” He says while laying down by Gintoki’s side. Gintoki tries not to dwell on how much this reminds him of when the two of them would fall asleep on Zura’s bed when they were cold during winter and didn’t have enough blankets. Or when they used to share tents during the war. 

“I promise, cross my heart. Now sleep”

Takasugi doesn’t take too long to finally doze off again, but Gintoki barely gets any sleep that night. He’s trying to plan what he wants to tell Takasugi, and how. He guesses he can’t simply skip parts that could hurt or upset him, but neither can he say  _ Hey, we almost killed each other when we were 29 _ , right?

When Takasugi wakes up, he finds the bed empty. He rushes to the kitchen and finds Gintoki cooking. He’s about to greet him good morning when Gintoki speaks up.

“Get your sedge hat and dress up,brat. I called Matako and she’s letting you stay a few more days. Kagura’s with Soyo today and you know Shinpachi is busy with the dojo. We’re going out” 

“Where?” 

“It’s a surprise” The silver haired man replies.

While Takasugi gets changed and has breakfast, Gintoki excuses himself and goes out to make a call. He quickly types the phone he memorized a long time ago, and when Zura picks it up almost instantly, he begins to calm down a bit.

“Zura” He greets while Zura starts to correct him on the other line of the phone. He hears Zura get up and close a door. Gintoki guesses he must have been doing some paperwork or reading. Before the other man can say anything, Gintoki begins explaining himself.

“Zura, Takasugi is.. No,” he starts again. “I am going to tell him all of it later. I am bringing him to Shoka Sonjuku too” 

Zura stays quiet for a little longer than anyone would have considered normal, and then asks “Are you sure about this,Gintoki?”

“Yes. Well. As sure as anyone can be knowing they are gonna ruin a child’s childhood in one day” He scoffs bittersweetly. 

“Gintoki...Do you want me to go with you? I could hel-” Before Zura can offer his help, Gintoki cuts him. 

“No.  _ No _ . It’s okay.But… Tomorrow, or when you can, I want you to sit with him too. Tell him other stuff too, not too bad though. Maybe Tatsuma too, but that idiot will just tell him embarrassing stuff”

“Better that than the war, isn’t it?” Zura murmurs softly “Gintoki, I told him some stuff already but if you want, drop him here tomorrow. I will take a day off tomorrow, you too have to rest”

“I’ll try to...But for now I just wanna get over with this. I think he knows more or less how Shouyou died, but he seems to not have any memory of Utsuro. Fuck, I don’t even know how to explain him how he died and I..”

“Gintoki. Stop. It will be just fine. He’ll be sad at first, you know how he was.  _ Is _ . Always pretending to not be sensitive when he was the one who would often get hurt by little things..this won’t break him, but we ought to be careful, he’s a kid after all. And, Gintoki?”

“Yes?”

“He won’t hate you for it. He’ll be okay, and you’ll be too” Zura reassures. Gintoki can’t say much, he knows that when Zura gets in such a mood there’s no one who can stop him. So Gintoki ends the call after a few more minutes of talking with his friend and then goes get Takasugi. To his surprise, Gintoki feels less anxious after calling Zura, and when he sees Takasugi on tiptoes, struggling to put a bowl on his place he smiles a little. 

“Shortass. Give me that” Frowning, Takasugi oblies. Once they are done, Gintoki asks “Are you ready?” And Takasugi just nods,still blushing because of the comment. 

They leave Gintoki’s home and walk for what seems hours. On their way, Takasugi rambles about stuff Shinpachi has recently taught him, or about the plant Matako got him weeks ago. In exchange, Gintoki tells him about his and Kagura’s most recent job, and then they talk about the drama they both had been watching with Kagura. 

Eventually, they get to the village Gintoki knows like the back of his hand. He keeps checking Takasugi, trying to find any sign that the place is giving him flashbacks, but he looks just fine, with the same questioning eyes. 

When they reach to what used to be their old school, Gintoki stops walking, picks up a little stick and passes it to the kid

“This is Shoka Sonjuku. Do you know how to write it properly?”

Doubting a little, Takasugi begins to draw on the ground the respective kanjis, and then looks up to Gintoki looking for his approval. Gintoki shakes his head a bit and takes the stick from his hand “Nah, not like that” He adds a line Takasugi had missed writing “Now it’s correct. Anyways, let’s go. I will show you around” 

He tells him about the pine Zura had fallen off when they were 13, he shows him where their rooms would have been, or where he and Takasugi always fought. He walks to a cherry tree and explains to the kid with sad eyes that was where the three kids would sometimes fall asleep while Shouyou would do his calligraphy. At some point, Takasugi points to the makeshift grave near said sakura tree and asks about it. 

Gintoki feels himself tensing, getting as anxious as he was before he had called Zura hours ago. 

“Remember the grey haired man of your dream? The one with Obo-chan?” Takasugi nods. “He’s resting there. You….Eh, the old you, buried him there. Oboro...he thought he was destined to die alone, with no one to mourn him, but you made sure that was not the case. You brought him to his home”

Takasugi doesn’t seem to react more to the mention of his old life like Gintoki had thought he would, instead, he asks “Were we friends with him?”

Gintoki laughs a bit, “No, not really. But we could have been, maybe in other circumstances he would have been like an older brother to us”

“Why was he not? Wasn’t this his home too? Where did he live if not?” That had seemed to wake up his curiosity more than most of the memories and things Gintoki had told him, and Gintoki decides it’s time to stop walking in circles.

“Let’s sit by the sakura tree. I will tell you all about him and Shouyou” 

And so he does. Takasugi listens carefully, making little comments or questions every once in a while. He giggles when Gintoki tells him about their first meeting with Tatsuma, and cries when he tells him about Oboro and Shouyou. He cries like the child he’s supposed to be, clenching his yukata and visibly shaking. He demands for more answers, about his life, his childhood with Zura,anything. The more he learns about the things he did to Gintoki and Zura the more he cries. By the time Gintoki is telling him about Shigeshige, Takasugi’s leaned on his lap and hidden his face from Gintoki. Gintoki sighs and puts a hand on his back, hoping this might ease him a bit. Once Gintoki is done telling him most of what he had planned to tell him, Takasugi shifts and faces him. Red and puffy eyes stare right at him, and despite himself, Gintoki smiles warmly at Takasugi. 

“And you aren’t mad at me,Gintoki?” Gintoki notices how Takasugi had called him by himself, instead of Gin-chan like he had picked up from Kagura at some point. 

“Why would I be?” 

“Why would you  _ not  _ be?”

“I don’t see any reason why I would be mad, Takasugi. Maybe back then I was, but anger is not on my current  _ ‘Things Gin-san feels towards Takasugi Shinsuke’  _ list”

After that, they stay silent for long. The kid probably taking in all that he had been told, and Gintoki trying to think of what to do next, or if he had said things he should have not mentioned yet. Gintoki thinks _ I haven’t felt this calm in long.  _ With the sound of birds singing,water flowing in a river not so far away, and the weight of Takasugi’s head on his lap, he feels lighter than he’s felt since the whole war with Utsuro.

At last, Gintoki comments “Are you hungry? I know a nice place here. We could have lunch there. And maybe then go home,if you want to”

Takasugi hums in reply and stands up. He takes a look back to the place, from the tree to the place where Gintoki had told him they used to make onigiri with Zura. He bends his head down a little when looking at Oboro’s humble grave and promises himself he’ll write the kanjis of his name in his notebook when he gets to the Yorozuya place later. 

He catches up to where Gintoki had been waiting for him and puts his sedge hat back on his head. Gintoki looks down at the child and says

“Hey, do you want a piggyback? I’ve been told I’m the  _ master  _ of piggybacks” 

“As if. Probably only Kagura tells you that” Takasugi says, taking off his hat again, and climbs to the samurai’s back. He wraps his arms around Gintoki’s neck, putting his head on Gintoki’s shoulder too. Soft and purple hair tickles him and Gintoki laughs a little. 

He is reminded of his teacher when he walks with Takasugi on his back around the village he once first arrived in Shouyou’s back. He tells the kid about the places there used to be and where before the war came, about the tree he used to steal oranges from, about when he convinced Zura to join him in the act and an old woman caught them doing it and Zura got mad at Gintoki for days. Takasugi smiles at that and replies with a memory of his that he dreamt weeks ago. To his surprise, Takasugi seems more lighthearted and content than he had looked for the past weeks. Relieved doesn’t even come close to describing how Gintoki feels. Maybe telling Takasugi everything was the right thing to do. 

Maybe Zura was right. They’ll all be okay this time, he’ll make sure of it. 

**Author's Note:**

> ive been wanting to write this for soo long and sat down and wrote it in one sit and for some reason i am really happy with how it turned out? i hope this wasn't too angst or anything, mostly the feeling i wanted to convert was these two having the opportunity to start over haha.
> 
> gintoki's birthday is soon, so i might post something this weekend for him too..who knows. as always thanks for reading! kudos and comments are always appreciated. 
> 
> twitter: @bansaisugi


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